Thursday, September 29, 2011


I seem to be taking whatever i can get, ad sometimes it just feels like I'm not giving myself a proper place. I accept the small bits I can get, consume them slowly so they wil last. It's sorta pathetic, I know.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The first time... Self-Injury related.

I don't remember how it started. I think I was about 15, in high school. I remember leaving the music classroom to go to the bathroom, for some reason. It could've been an anxiety attack, it could've been so many things. The truth is, it's so insignificant right now I can't even remember.
I remember I always wore the uniform's skirt and polo shirt (a hideous polo shirt, thank you very much), but at some point during 10th grade I stopped wearing the vest and started wearing a navy blue sweater over the polo shirt. I remember I removed one of the Hot Topic pins I always wore on the bottom hem of the sweatshirt, pulled my sleeve up, and scratched away at my inner right arm. I remember the surge of emotions, no tears came out, I was suddenly numb, relaxed, centered. I don't know why I did it, but I remember how it felt. I blotted up the blood with some toilet paper, pulled my sleeve down, pinned the pin on the inside of the hem this time, and returned to music class.

Those handbells never sounded so sweet.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A Better Version of Me

So I have to say, I'm feeling somewhat better with myself and everything lately.
The Adderall is working wonders, however, I have to take at least 20 mg in order to actually feel a slight difference, yet that slight difference does all the difference in the world (r u still with me?). I haven't ever felt so focused and organized as when I take it. I feel like the person that's supposed to be there finally comes through.

I've started exercising with a personal trainer ( might help a bit that I'm not the one paying for it...), and I feel pretty enthusiastic about it. I love swimming, so she's going to try to incorporate some of that into the training, and I just think it's so relieving to be guided by someone who actually knows what they're doing. On the days she gives me "homework" I can either do treadmill, or walking on the track near my house, but I've also done some Wii Fit (because I don't have to leave the house, and it's more fun...). The point is to get moving, right?

School has officially started, yet we had a recess of a week due to Hurricane Irene. There was flooding everywhere and we didn't have power for about 4 days, it was just ridiculous. Thankfully, after three months or so, I was back in the kitchen yesterday. It felt great! We've started with breakfasts, yesterday was what I call the egg-fest. Scrambled, poached (then Benedict), fried, hard-boiled. Also, hash browns, and sausages. We got to eat everything afterwards, but I was a good girl and only had half of the Benedict and some hash browns. I'm also taking Wine and Food Pairings this semester, and I find the class to be super interesting.

Just to show how indecisive I can be, later at night I got craving for coffee, so I texted a friend (for company, of course...) and went to Starbucks. I ended up having a Chai Soy Latte, halfway through which I decided that what I wanted was a beer (Sam Adams Blackberry, to be precise). Since it was Monday night, and apparently there was nothing better to do, I ended up at my Friday night hangout place of choice and had that beer. Yay.

I need to do so much crap today, I don't know why I'm still here, writing. I haven't even had breakfast yet . Bad, bad.

Friday, August 5, 2011

So it's been awhile

The other day my boyfriend asked me why I didn't have a journal, diary, or other similar project. I don't really remember what I replied, but it probably goes along the lines of "oh, well, I'm just too inconsistent". I might try to write here and there, but whatever.

A lot has been going on. I am hating my job with a passion (again). It seems that I will never find a job that I actually even slightly enjoy, and doesn't cause me to break out in anxiety attacks every other day. Which brings me to another topic: I have a new shrink. I actually like this one, she's quiet and doesn't talk down to me. I'm currently taking Buspar and Adderall, in low doses, and they seem to be working OK (it's only been a month, so more on that later I guess). I had to have my Buspar (anxiety med.) dose upped , because of the anxiety attacks at work. To top it all off, my parents switched our medical insurance (again) without me knowing anything, and this new crap-tastic one does not cover my Adderall or contraceptives. So I must keep my job, then, to be able to pay for the medication. The joy!

School is supposed to start again in about a week, I'm excited for it and at the same time I'm totally freaking out. I haven't finished doing the enrollment procedure for this semester, so I guess I must go next week at the soonest moment possible or risk having to sit out this semester. I need a backpack, and I need to sharpen my knives. I find making lists helps, a lot. Also doing recaps at the end of the day, of whatever I actually did or got accomplished, is very, very helpful.

Today I gave my dog a bath, always an adventure by itself. *sigh* . She's a pretty hyper two-year-old (wow, two, already. I got her at three months old. Time flies. ) who, as I suspect many other dogs do, hates baths. But the downstairs dogs are completely flea infested and thus, so is my dog and my cats, and she keeps scratching and it drives me to the edge of insanity and back. So, bathtime it was. I tried playing tug-of-war with her towel before taking her into the bathtub (more like shower stall, actually), which resulted in her just peeing all over my bedroom floor. Luckily, there was another towel on the floor nearby, and I just placed it over the mess and continued with the procedure. She behaved pretty well while said bath was being given, but as soon as I was done she just ran all over the bathroom like a chicken with its head cut off (or a dog who's just had an undesired bath), getting everything wet in the process. Right now she's lying on my bed next to me as I type, shell-shocked. I'll give her a treat later and she'll love me again.
Dogs are so easy.