The first time... Self-Injury related.

I don't remember how it started. I think I was about 15, in high school. I remember leaving the music classroom to go to the bathroom, for some reason. It could've been an anxiety attack, it could've been so many things. The truth is, it's so insignificant right now I can't even remember.
I remember I always wore the uniform's skirt and polo shirt (a hideous polo shirt, thank you very much), but at some point during 10th grade I stopped wearing the vest and started wearing a navy blue sweater over the polo shirt. I remember I removed one of the Hot Topic pins I always wore on the bottom hem of the sweatshirt, pulled my sleeve up, and scratched away at my inner right arm. I remember the surge of emotions, no tears came out, I was suddenly numb, relaxed, centered. I don't know why I did it, but I remember how it felt. I blotted up the blood with some toilet paper, pulled my sleeve down, pinned the pin on the inside of the hem this time, and returned to music class.

Those handbells never sounded so sweet.

A Better Version of Me

So I have to say, I'm feeling somewhat better with myself and everything lately.
The Adderall is working wonders, however, I have to take at least 20 mg in order to actually feel a slight difference, yet that slight difference does all the difference in the world (r u still with me?). I haven't ever felt so focused and organized as when I take it. I feel like the person that's supposed to be there finally comes through.

I've started exercising with a personal trainer ( might help a bit that I'm not the one paying for it...), and I feel pretty enthusiastic about it. I love swimming, so she's going to try to incorporate some of that into the training, and I just think it's so relieving to be guided by someone who actually knows what they're doing. On the days she gives me "homework" I can either do treadmill, or walking on the track near my house, but I've also done some Wii Fit (because I don't have to leave the house, and it's more fun...). The point is to get moving, right?

School has officially started, yet we had a recess of a week due to Hurricane Irene. There was flooding everywhere and we didn't have power for about 4 days, it was just ridiculous. Thankfully, after three months or so, I was back in the kitchen yesterday. It felt great! We've started with breakfasts, yesterday was what I call the egg-fest. Scrambled, poached (then Benedict), fried, hard-boiled. Also, hash browns, and sausages. We got to eat everything afterwards, but I was a good girl and only had half of the Benedict and some hash browns. I'm also taking Wine and Food Pairings this semester, and I find the class to be super interesting.

Just to show how indecisive I can be, later at night I got craving for coffee, so I texted a friend (for company, of course...) and went to Starbucks. I ended up having a Chai Soy Latte, halfway through which I decided that what I wanted was a beer (Sam Adams Blackberry, to be precise). Since it was Monday night, and apparently there was nothing better to do, I ended up at my Friday night hangout place of choice and had that beer. Yay.

I need to do so much crap today, I don't know why I'm still here, writing. I haven't even had breakfast yet . Bad, bad.

So it's been awhile

The other day my boyfriend asked me why I didn't have a journal, diary, or other similar project. I don't really remember what I replied, but it probably goes along the lines of "oh, well, I'm just too inconsistent". I might try to write here and there, but whatever.

A lot has been going on. I am hating my job with a passion (again). It seems that I will never find a job that I actually even slightly enjoy, and doesn't cause me to break out in anxiety attacks every other day. Which brings me to another topic: I have a new shrink. I actually like this one, she's quiet and doesn't talk down to me. I'm currently taking Buspar and Adderall, in low doses, and they seem to be working OK (it's only been a month, so more on that later I guess). I had to have my Buspar (anxiety med.) dose upped , because of the anxiety attacks at work. To top it all off, my parents switched our medical insurance (again) without me knowing anything, and this new crap-tastic one does not cover my Adderall or contraceptives. So I must keep my job, then, to be able to pay for the medication. The joy!

School is supposed to start again in about a week, I'm excited for it and at the same time I'm totally freaking out. I haven't finished doing the enrollment procedure for this semester, so I guess I must go next week at the soonest moment possible or risk having to sit out this semester. I need a backpack, and I need to sharpen my knives. I find making lists helps, a lot. Also doing recaps at the end of the day, of whatever I actually did or got accomplished, is very, very helpful.

Today I gave my dog a bath, always an adventure by itself. *sigh* . She's a pretty hyper two-year-old (wow, two, already. I got her at three months old. Time flies. ) who, as I suspect many other dogs do, hates baths. But the downstairs dogs are completely flea infested and thus, so is my dog and my cats, and she keeps scratching and it drives me to the edge of insanity and back. So, bathtime it was. I tried playing tug-of-war with her towel before taking her into the bathtub (more like shower stall, actually), which resulted in her just peeing all over my bedroom floor. Luckily, there was another towel on the floor nearby, and I just placed it over the mess and continued with the procedure. She behaved pretty well while said bath was being given, but as soon as I was done she just ran all over the bathroom like a chicken with its head cut off (or a dog who's just had an undesired bath), getting everything wet in the process. Right now she's lying on my bed next to me as I type, shell-shocked. I'll give her a treat later and she'll love me again.
Dogs are so easy.

whoa.

whoa. ok. so it's been... what. a year? since i posted here?
I don't know. Lately I've been feeling so jittery. My mind does not stop, literally. Ever. At night, it's busy processing information about god-knows-what and it's tiring but I can't sleep. I quit my job of 3 years last February, luckily I found a pt. time gig with the US Census but that's over. Even more luckily, I applied to (and got a job) at my local Sephora, so that's good. It's great, actually. I have so much plans in my head, so many things I want to do and lately I just feel locked up. I am not exactly happy so to speak.

I need to find somewhere to be that doesn't fill me up with these feelings. And I have to lose weight. Any tips?

Y el por que de para que?

Es ninguno. Escribiendo por escribir. Me acuerdo, cuando era chiquita, mi diario consistia en escribir todo lo que habia hecho en el dia.

"Querido Diario:

Me levante a las 7 a.m, me di un baño con agua fria y me vesti para ir a trabajar. Me pinte los ojos con amarillo y naranja, porque asi tenia ganas de hacerlo. Una camisa negra porque no tengo nada amarillo...
Sin tiempo para desayunar, me pongo los zapatos y cambio la cartera y me monto en el carro. Ahi me doy cuenta que deje el celular encima de mi cama, despues de mucho pensar y considerar decidi volver a entrar a buscarlo.
Llego a la oficina a las 8:45, mi dia comienza. El desayuno llega un poco tarde pero estaba bueno. La muchacha se quedo con mi cambio, ahora no tengo cash.
Recibo mi correo electronico, y sorpresa! Mas altercados con la persona que me quita las ganas de ir a trabajar. Despues de esperar una hora en el telefono con PRTC entre llantos y decirme a mi misma que me tranquilizara, logre cancelar el DMAX de la finca. Ya estoy frustrada y me quiero ir de ahi. Busco los clasificados, las ofertas de empleo se ven un poco plastas. Necesito NO trabajar con familia.
A las 12 en punto salgo de ahi, ni un minuto mas, me dije. Me acorde de que queria probar uno de esos dichosos polvos minerales a ver cual es la mierda, asi que fui a Walgreens a buscarlo. Queria Ferrero Rocher tambien, asi que los compre. Sigo histerica y sin poder creer lo horrible que me siento con ese equipo de trabajo.
Vine a casa y no tenia ganas de cocinar.

Y todavia, 3 horas despues, tengo hambre."


Un poco aburrido, pero fijate... Podria funcionar. ahora... por que yo quiero recordar toda esa sarta de estupideces en la cual consiste mi vida?

Yisus Craist.
this sucks.

Un Solo Dia

Hace algunos años solía escribir muchisimos poemas (y no-poemas). A gente en especifico, o a nadie en especifico.. .
Aqui esta uno de ellos. Me parece que es del 2004. Enjoy! (la pintura tambien es mia, del 2004)

"Un Solo Dia"-
Un dia tendido por la posibilidad de volverte a ver, un dia que espera llegar finalmente a mi, un solo dia que ni siquiera nombrarse puede. Un pequeño dia en el que tu y yo volveremos a ser, lo mismo que antes, quizas mas. Un poco mas que ayer. Poco mas que la ultima vez. Un dia que se convertira en noche, nuevamente efimera y espantada por el espacio que la sigue. Una noche que no durará para siempre, asi como los secretos se dan a conocer, los besos se acaban, el amor se extingue. Y naturalmente ese dia nos separaremos, mejor esa noche, o seguiran los dias pasando, las semanas avanzando y los meses entrando, llenos de dias de amor, secretos, besos, felicidad? Y al igual seguimos entendiendo que el amor no dura para siempre, que es solo una reaccion quimica del cerebro, una ilusion del cuerpo, una excusa para el sexo. O sera esto algo que solo nos queremos creer para sentirnos mejor? Para no sentirnos culpables de penetrar los estrechos corredores del corazon ajeno? Un solo dia, entre dos noches, entre tantos otros dias, entre tantas otras personas. Dificil de reconocer al igual que el amor verdadero, ese dia perfecto y soleado que todo niño espera para salir a jugar. Ese amor que ya de grandes no dejamos de esperar.

-Tattiana Torres