Crumbs

I seem to be taking whatever i can get, ad sometimes it just feels like I'm not giving myself a proper place. I accept the small bits I can get, consume them slowly so they wil last. It's sorta pathetic, I know.

The first time... Self-Injury related.

I don't remember how it started. I think I was about 15, in high school. I remember leaving the music classroom to go to the bathroom, for some reason. It could've been an anxiety attack, it could've been so many things. The truth is, it's so insignificant right now I can't even remember.
I remember I always wore the uniform's skirt and polo shirt (a hideous polo shirt, thank you very much), but at some point during 10th grade I stopped wearing the vest and started wearing a navy blue sweater over the polo shirt. I remember I removed one of the Hot Topic pins I always wore on the bottom hem of the sweatshirt, pulled my sleeve up, and scratched away at my inner right arm. I remember the surge of emotions, no tears came out, I was suddenly numb, relaxed, centered. I don't know why I did it, but I remember how it felt. I blotted up the blood with some toilet paper, pulled my sleeve down, pinned the pin on the inside of the hem this time, and returned to music class.

Those handbells never sounded so sweet.

A Better Version of Me

So I have to say, I'm feeling somewhat better with myself and everything lately.
The Adderall is working wonders, however, I have to take at least 20 mg in order to actually feel a slight difference, yet that slight difference does all the difference in the world (r u still with me?). I haven't ever felt so focused and organized as when I take it. I feel like the person that's supposed to be there finally comes through.

I've started exercising with a personal trainer ( might help a bit that I'm not the one paying for it...), and I feel pretty enthusiastic about it. I love swimming, so she's going to try to incorporate some of that into the training, and I just think it's so relieving to be guided by someone who actually knows what they're doing. On the days she gives me "homework" I can either do treadmill, or walking on the track near my house, but I've also done some Wii Fit (because I don't have to leave the house, and it's more fun...). The point is to get moving, right?

School has officially started, yet we had a recess of a week due to Hurricane Irene. There was flooding everywhere and we didn't have power for about 4 days, it was just ridiculous. Thankfully, after three months or so, I was back in the kitchen yesterday. It felt great! We've started with breakfasts, yesterday was what I call the egg-fest. Scrambled, poached (then Benedict), fried, hard-boiled. Also, hash browns, and sausages. We got to eat everything afterwards, but I was a good girl and only had half of the Benedict and some hash browns. I'm also taking Wine and Food Pairings this semester, and I find the class to be super interesting.

Just to show how indecisive I can be, later at night I got craving for coffee, so I texted a friend (for company, of course...) and went to Starbucks. I ended up having a Chai Soy Latte, halfway through which I decided that what I wanted was a beer (Sam Adams Blackberry, to be precise). Since it was Monday night, and apparently there was nothing better to do, I ended up at my Friday night hangout place of choice and had that beer. Yay.

I need to do so much crap today, I don't know why I'm still here, writing. I haven't even had breakfast yet . Bad, bad.

So it's been awhile

The other day my boyfriend asked me why I didn't have a journal, diary, or other similar project. I don't really remember what I replied, but it probably goes along the lines of "oh, well, I'm just too inconsistent". I might try to write here and there, but whatever.

A lot has been going on. I am hating my job with a passion (again). It seems that I will never find a job that I actually even slightly enjoy, and doesn't cause me to break out in anxiety attacks every other day. Which brings me to another topic: I have a new shrink. I actually like this one, she's quiet and doesn't talk down to me. I'm currently taking Buspar and Adderall, in low doses, and they seem to be working OK (it's only been a month, so more on that later I guess). I had to have my Buspar (anxiety med.) dose upped , because of the anxiety attacks at work. To top it all off, my parents switched our medical insurance (again) without me knowing anything, and this new crap-tastic one does not cover my Adderall or contraceptives. So I must keep my job, then, to be able to pay for the medication. The joy!

School is supposed to start again in about a week, I'm excited for it and at the same time I'm totally freaking out. I haven't finished doing the enrollment procedure for this semester, so I guess I must go next week at the soonest moment possible or risk having to sit out this semester. I need a backpack, and I need to sharpen my knives. I find making lists helps, a lot. Also doing recaps at the end of the day, of whatever I actually did or got accomplished, is very, very helpful.

Today I gave my dog a bath, always an adventure by itself. *sigh* . She's a pretty hyper two-year-old (wow, two, already. I got her at three months old. Time flies. ) who, as I suspect many other dogs do, hates baths. But the downstairs dogs are completely flea infested and thus, so is my dog and my cats, and she keeps scratching and it drives me to the edge of insanity and back. So, bathtime it was. I tried playing tug-of-war with her towel before taking her into the bathtub (more like shower stall, actually), which resulted in her just peeing all over my bedroom floor. Luckily, there was another towel on the floor nearby, and I just placed it over the mess and continued with the procedure. She behaved pretty well while said bath was being given, but as soon as I was done she just ran all over the bathroom like a chicken with its head cut off (or a dog who's just had an undesired bath), getting everything wet in the process. Right now she's lying on my bed next to me as I type, shell-shocked. I'll give her a treat later and she'll love me again.
Dogs are so easy.

whoa.

whoa. ok. so it's been... what. a year? since i posted here?
I don't know. Lately I've been feeling so jittery. My mind does not stop, literally. Ever. At night, it's busy processing information about god-knows-what and it's tiring but I can't sleep. I quit my job of 3 years last February, luckily I found a pt. time gig with the US Census but that's over. Even more luckily, I applied to (and got a job) at my local Sephora, so that's good. It's great, actually. I have so much plans in my head, so many things I want to do and lately I just feel locked up. I am not exactly happy so to speak.

I need to find somewhere to be that doesn't fill me up with these feelings. And I have to lose weight. Any tips?

Of Zombies, Vampires and.. Poop?

My new NinjaTown plushies arrived yesterday!!!!
Since it's a random thing I'm glad that I got two of my favorites: the Zombie and the Ninja Dropping. These are tiny, ( If I'd have seen them in a store, probably wouldn't have bought them at $6 each) but since internet shopping tends to do that to you, I ordered anyway. I hung the Zombie on my rearview mirror and the poop from my keychain.


The zombeh cuteness in action. That's the cute little box that he came in.



and that's the little poopie fella. So cute.

I got these from www.shawnimals.com if you're interested. Even if you're not buying, the site is full of super cute creatures for your viewing pleasure. So be sure and try to stop by!

I still haven't gotten past the part of the game that I'm on. Seems it's a bit harder than I would like.

On to other news, hehe, I read Twilight last Friday (yeahh... ) and I have to say it's OK. Not a great book in literary terms, more an interesting perspective on a really whacked off subject. I think the longing aspect of it is well presented (yes, it got me a bit desperate sometimes for some action, but that's what leaves you wanting more...) like I heard my cousin once say: "Twilight is abstinence porn".
I'm starting New Moon today. Let's see how that goes.

bye!

Consequence of Sounds...

In a Regina Spektor mood today. These days always make me think a little, or even just want to dance in my room screaming at the top of my lungs the lyrics of this crazy-cute russian girl with a definitively unique musical style. I googled the meanings of some names (mainly of people I know) and according to babynames.com, my name means... Fairy Queen? At least I believe it's russian :)


On another note, last night I went to watch The Proposal, I give it maybe a 2.5 out of 5 stars mainly for it being entertaining. As any other rom-com, it's just lacking in terms of story, dialogue, etc. The scenery was beautiful (the parts where they showed Alaska, anyways...) and I love me some Sandra Bullock, but... Rom-coms are just these pre-made outlines of a movie that will never ever probably be considered a cinematic masterpiece. Definitely a chick-flick, and probably would touch the hearts of those that haven't lived in the real life and experienced real problems and real love and that sort of things. Just like any other rom-com.

On with the salad, today I broke the non-makeup rut yet again and decided to try some blues. The results:



All Aromaleigh (www.aromaleigh.com) eyeshadows: Aqua Nightmare, Peacoat, Planetearth, Wizard Gold. Lovely colors, but I think it's my love for words that's got me buying compulsively from them lately. The names are amazing!

Braces status is: still sucking. Boyfriend status is: still sick. Friday status: promising to be uneventful as of 10:28 a.m.

...Let's see how it goes....

*see, I told you this blog was a salad!*

bye!!!

So, Thursday?

Nothing interesting to report today. I am quite tired from worrying, the boyfriend is sick and last night I told him to come over so I could take care of him. Now I'm worried that I might catch it, but it doesn't worry me as much as not being able to be the hovering, maternal instincts on high girlfriend all day long.
There's some things happening in the economical sense of the word, and I worry that I might not be able to go through with my plans of going to NYC in October. It's too soon to tell as of yet, but it's worrying nonetheless.
My mind is all over the place today, as it is every day. Strattera keeps me focused, but only slightly, and my mind is able and unrestrained to travel everywhere she wants to. Sometimes I even get so distracted by my own nailpolish, moving my fingers around, looking at how the light dances off the sparkles on it... Yeah. My life is sometimes boring, I'd say. But I don't think I want it to be more interesting just yet.
In other snippets of my life, and for those of you who don't already know this (lol) I divide my time on the Nintendo DS mainly between Final Fantasy III and Ninja Town. This week it's been the latter, those cute, pudgy little ninjas and all their bright colors sure bring a big smile to my face every time I see them. And what would any dilligent Ninja Town fan do? Well, visit , DUH! I ordered two Ninja Town Micro Plushes. Don't even know when they'll arrive or where I'll keep them, but they shall be my pets, Amen.





The braces are still killing me. No picture today because frankly, my hair doesn't look so good and I am in dire need of undereye concealer. If you have just started reading, well, hello! and don't worry. Content will get deeper as time progresses. I'm trying to break the writing rut that I have been in for a very, very long time.
bye!

Tooth Drama

Yesterday I didn't write because I spent half the day at my orthodontist's office. I spent Monday night at the boy's (who lives conveniently close to where the Dr. is) and woke up a little bit earlier than I would've liked to be there on time. And so I was, only I had to wait for what seemed like an eternity (I think it was a bit more than 2hours) in a freezing office. Thank God I had my Nintendo DS with me, and in the meantime got busy passing level after level of NinjaTown. Once I was finally called in, I spent like 2 more hours on the chair, no joke!!! The dentist assistants proceeded to replace a loose bracket, clean my teeth, and put the brackets and wire on the bottom teeth. In the meantime they spent so long doing this I thought I might as well fall asleep there!
When I looked out the window I noticed it was dark and really really cloudy, my car was parked a few buildings down (that's Piñero Ave. for you) and I had worn my Keen purple sandals because, sure, why not? So after it was all done since I had to return to the office I ventured out into the street to walk to my car. I arrived soaking wet, everything from my feet, my shoes, my shirt, my hair, everything! I immediately turned on the heater in my car.
after the flood (lol) I grabbed some lunch and had totally forgotten about the new line of braces, so it was a lot harder and more painful than I thought to eat it, but I finally finished about an hour later. apparently TAco Bell is not a good idea when your teeth are caged in metal. I found this out the hard way...
The rest of the afternoon was quite the uneventful ordeal except for the tightening in my jaw that was every moment harder to deal with. At five I finally got off, and after eating two yogurt cups, took two advil and an ambien and finally was able to rest a bit.
This morning I managed to take a picture of me smiling, feeling a little bit better (in part because I got to try some of my new Aromaleigh En Pointe samples, Sylp and Serenade eyeshadows)

no one can pretend to be painlessly happy as well as I can :)
bye!

Regresando.

Hace mas de un año que no escribo. En parte por falta de inspiración, en parte por vagancia, en parte por no querer publicar todas las complicaciones corrientes de mi vida. Dije que iba a escribir en papel y lápiz, pero eso no ayuda la vagancia. Es dificil mantenerme cuerda bajo todas las situaciones internas y externas, familiares, laborales, románticas y de amistades. ES una pelea constante, dia a dia. Tengo fe de que algun dia todo caerá bajo su propio peso y poco a poco se iran resolviendo todos los desastres.
Y espero poder escribir mas a menudo, como siempre digo.
ciao!

Y el por que de para que?

Es ninguno. Escribiendo por escribir. Me acuerdo, cuando era chiquita, mi diario consistia en escribir todo lo que habia hecho en el dia.

"Querido Diario:

Me levante a las 7 a.m, me di un baño con agua fria y me vesti para ir a trabajar. Me pinte los ojos con amarillo y naranja, porque asi tenia ganas de hacerlo. Una camisa negra porque no tengo nada amarillo...
Sin tiempo para desayunar, me pongo los zapatos y cambio la cartera y me monto en el carro. Ahi me doy cuenta que deje el celular encima de mi cama, despues de mucho pensar y considerar decidi volver a entrar a buscarlo.
Llego a la oficina a las 8:45, mi dia comienza. El desayuno llega un poco tarde pero estaba bueno. La muchacha se quedo con mi cambio, ahora no tengo cash.
Recibo mi correo electronico, y sorpresa! Mas altercados con la persona que me quita las ganas de ir a trabajar. Despues de esperar una hora en el telefono con PRTC entre llantos y decirme a mi misma que me tranquilizara, logre cancelar el DMAX de la finca. Ya estoy frustrada y me quiero ir de ahi. Busco los clasificados, las ofertas de empleo se ven un poco plastas. Necesito NO trabajar con familia.
A las 12 en punto salgo de ahi, ni un minuto mas, me dije. Me acorde de que queria probar uno de esos dichosos polvos minerales a ver cual es la mierda, asi que fui a Walgreens a buscarlo. Queria Ferrero Rocher tambien, asi que los compre. Sigo histerica y sin poder creer lo horrible que me siento con ese equipo de trabajo.
Vine a casa y no tenia ganas de cocinar.

Y todavia, 3 horas despues, tengo hambre."


Un poco aburrido, pero fijate... Podria funcionar. ahora... por que yo quiero recordar toda esa sarta de estupideces en la cual consiste mi vida?

Yisus Craist.
this sucks.

seguimiento

Bueno. He organizado la mayor parte de mi cuarto por hoy.
No he creado nada en mucho tiempo, en parte por la invasion de mi espacio creativo por un supuesto equipo de limpieza que han puesto todo donde no lo puedo encontrar. Ya casi tengo todo listo para mi viajecito a Rincon manana, debe ser divertido, no se. El trabajo me va bien, me gusta, cada dia me siento mas como un hongo que va creciendo poco a poco en ese escritorio, una persona de rutina. Y hasta cierto punto, me gusta.
No tener una completa incertidumbre de donde voy a estar y que voy a hacer me da un sentido de tranquilidad.
Me gustaria conseguirme un apartamento alquilado para mi sola, posiblemente en los proximos 6-12 meses.

He vuelto a desempolvar tus cartas. . .


y cecilia me disfraza y me hace photoshoots =c)

Y no escucho musica nueva porque no me interesa al momento. Siendo tan descarrilada soy bastante de rutina. Mi escritorio es un desastre y escribo sobre mi falda porque el teclado no cabe en el. yy... escribir por escribir a veces no sale tan bien como otras.

return

My last post was some time ago (don't know when exactly) but i can never seem to be too consistent with these things. However...I DO have to write about my trip to NYC which I'll have to do ...
some other day.

i'm tired :-(

Memory

Some people say they can relive instants by remembering them, the vividness of their first kiss or the sound of the rain outside the window....

I'm not one of them. I live on autopilot, wishing I could sit back, close my eyes, and be there again. Wherever that might be.

short entry today... I'm going through a confusing moment in my life.

Amazement

La Nouba.
I have been anxious, itching to go see one of Cirque Du Soleil's shows for some years now and yesterday was finally my day.
I can't begin to describe the emotions I felt when I walked in, and saw the incredible sets and all the colors and lights and movement. My eyes instantly welled up with tears and held their pose for a good half of the show. Anyone who ever has an opportunity, should go see one of these shows. I bought the music CD ( this one's a little jazzy in my opinion, which I like) and a crystal ball ornament that is filled with scraps of costume fabrics and pictures from the show.
I'm sorry for my lack of expressive words and such, but I'm simply at loss.
However, two of my favorite things:

Les Cons


And the little Chinese girls with their Diabolos:


These little girls had me at the edge of my seat during their act, they are truly amazing (either that or freaks of nature) and extremely cute. They did pirouettes and switches and human pyramids and such all while still playing with their diabolos. My hat goes off to these little girls.

well that's it for today, I'm in need of a shower.

Sweet-Tasting Epcot

Yesterday Chichi and I went to Epcot center.
We arrived at 9:30 a.m and went into Figment's Imagination ride,where Chichi had her first encounter with a Disney Character)


then spent the whole day cruising through the World Showcase. It's true what they say, you don't have to be a kid to enjoy Disney world, you just learn to enjoy it differently. We set it to ourselves to sample pastries and desserts from around the world.
In France, for example, we had a lemon tart.


Not only did it look amazing, it was made with real lemons and it was delicious!!!!

In Japan we had Kakigori, which is shaved ice with syrup (sort of like a piragua)and was perfect to cool off in the sun

yuuummmmmmmmmm!!! The flavors were Strawberry, Honeydew Melon and Tangerine.

In Norway we sampled some School Bread (sweet buns filled with vanilla custard-creme and glazed with shredded coconut on top.) This was really good, and I'd like to learn to make it!!!!


WE had Mexican food for lunch (nothing out of the ordinary) and in China I sampled some Ginger Ice Cream (an acquired taste for sure).

After all of this pigging out, looking at the stores and trying to hide from the rain, we were ready to go to the other part of the park (all the attractions I wanted were closed, but chichi went to Mars and rode a test car).
I found out I am absolutely TERRIFIED of roller coasters!!! It's almost absurd. I took some pictures while she got on those things...

a beautiful sunset


A rabbit was munching on grass nearby:




well, that's it for now... I'm off to Magic Kingdom!

Ya falta menos...

Se acerca el dia en el cual me monto en ese avion.
Tengo un weekend "full" mirandome a los ojos y riendose de mi, pero creo que con un poco de organizacion se puede lograr todo.

anoche hice 15 jabones, 5 body sprays, 6 scrubs, 5 potes de body lotion y 5 lip balms... En UNA HORA. (It's called productivity and exhaustion)
still to come:
Forrar cajas
Clase manana a la 1
Fajardo a ver a mi abuela y a los nenes
Finca, (terminar lo que falte de los detalles de las cajitas, y el trabajo de las tarjetas de nomina de el otro trabajo de Martita)
Trabajo en JT la semana que viene, volver a hacerlo todo otra vez en el weekend ( only the next involves a kayak trip on thursday, a spa day on friday and still the class on saturday)
No se si tenga suficientes dias de trabajo para llegar a la meta que me habia propuesto, pero veremos a ver como me las arreglo ($400)

me voy el 18!!! weee.

*exhales*

Not to say my monetary problems are completely solved, but at least I got a job at JTCG for the next 3 weeks... ( yay!)

Orlando won't see the poor side of me, not just yet.

Un Solo Dia

Hace algunos años solía escribir muchisimos poemas (y no-poemas). A gente en especifico, o a nadie en especifico.. .
Aqui esta uno de ellos. Me parece que es del 2004. Enjoy! (la pintura tambien es mia, del 2004)

"Un Solo Dia"-
Un dia tendido por la posibilidad de volverte a ver, un dia que espera llegar finalmente a mi, un solo dia que ni siquiera nombrarse puede. Un pequeño dia en el que tu y yo volveremos a ser, lo mismo que antes, quizas mas. Un poco mas que ayer. Poco mas que la ultima vez. Un dia que se convertira en noche, nuevamente efimera y espantada por el espacio que la sigue. Una noche que no durará para siempre, asi como los secretos se dan a conocer, los besos se acaban, el amor se extingue. Y naturalmente ese dia nos separaremos, mejor esa noche, o seguiran los dias pasando, las semanas avanzando y los meses entrando, llenos de dias de amor, secretos, besos, felicidad? Y al igual seguimos entendiendo que el amor no dura para siempre, que es solo una reaccion quimica del cerebro, una ilusion del cuerpo, una excusa para el sexo. O sera esto algo que solo nos queremos creer para sentirnos mejor? Para no sentirnos culpables de penetrar los estrechos corredores del corazon ajeno? Un solo dia, entre dos noches, entre tantos otros dias, entre tantas otras personas. Dificil de reconocer al igual que el amor verdadero, ese dia perfecto y soleado que todo niño espera para salir a jugar. Ese amor que ya de grandes no dejamos de esperar.

-Tattiana Torres

Let's get some shoes...

It's great to find good shoes at an awesome price ( especially when said shoes are Dr Scholls' but nowhere near looking like those hideous cobbie cuddlers at Kmart)
SOOO comfy! I just gotta get used to the heels part. I am totally, shallow-ly raving about shoes. But... I mean...

These, for instance, were $76... Got 'em for $32

and these, were $56... Got them for $32 as well...

The joys of sales at Gatsby...