Crumbs

I seem to be taking whatever i can get, ad sometimes it just feels like I'm not giving myself a proper place. I accept the small bits I can get, consume them slowly so they wil last. It's sorta pathetic, I know.

The first time... Self-Injury related.

I don't remember how it started. I think I was about 15, in high school. I remember leaving the music classroom to go to the bathroom, for some reason. It could've been an anxiety attack, it could've been so many things. The truth is, it's so insignificant right now I can't even remember.
I remember I always wore the uniform's skirt and polo shirt (a hideous polo shirt, thank you very much), but at some point during 10th grade I stopped wearing the vest and started wearing a navy blue sweater over the polo shirt. I remember I removed one of the Hot Topic pins I always wore on the bottom hem of the sweatshirt, pulled my sleeve up, and scratched away at my inner right arm. I remember the surge of emotions, no tears came out, I was suddenly numb, relaxed, centered. I don't know why I did it, but I remember how it felt. I blotted up the blood with some toilet paper, pulled my sleeve down, pinned the pin on the inside of the hem this time, and returned to music class.

Those handbells never sounded so sweet.

A Better Version of Me

So I have to say, I'm feeling somewhat better with myself and everything lately.
The Adderall is working wonders, however, I have to take at least 20 mg in order to actually feel a slight difference, yet that slight difference does all the difference in the world (r u still with me?). I haven't ever felt so focused and organized as when I take it. I feel like the person that's supposed to be there finally comes through.

I've started exercising with a personal trainer ( might help a bit that I'm not the one paying for it...), and I feel pretty enthusiastic about it. I love swimming, so she's going to try to incorporate some of that into the training, and I just think it's so relieving to be guided by someone who actually knows what they're doing. On the days she gives me "homework" I can either do treadmill, or walking on the track near my house, but I've also done some Wii Fit (because I don't have to leave the house, and it's more fun...). The point is to get moving, right?

School has officially started, yet we had a recess of a week due to Hurricane Irene. There was flooding everywhere and we didn't have power for about 4 days, it was just ridiculous. Thankfully, after three months or so, I was back in the kitchen yesterday. It felt great! We've started with breakfasts, yesterday was what I call the egg-fest. Scrambled, poached (then Benedict), fried, hard-boiled. Also, hash browns, and sausages. We got to eat everything afterwards, but I was a good girl and only had half of the Benedict and some hash browns. I'm also taking Wine and Food Pairings this semester, and I find the class to be super interesting.

Just to show how indecisive I can be, later at night I got craving for coffee, so I texted a friend (for company, of course...) and went to Starbucks. I ended up having a Chai Soy Latte, halfway through which I decided that what I wanted was a beer (Sam Adams Blackberry, to be precise). Since it was Monday night, and apparently there was nothing better to do, I ended up at my Friday night hangout place of choice and had that beer. Yay.

I need to do so much crap today, I don't know why I'm still here, writing. I haven't even had breakfast yet . Bad, bad.

So it's been awhile

The other day my boyfriend asked me why I didn't have a journal, diary, or other similar project. I don't really remember what I replied, but it probably goes along the lines of "oh, well, I'm just too inconsistent". I might try to write here and there, but whatever.

A lot has been going on. I am hating my job with a passion (again). It seems that I will never find a job that I actually even slightly enjoy, and doesn't cause me to break out in anxiety attacks every other day. Which brings me to another topic: I have a new shrink. I actually like this one, she's quiet and doesn't talk down to me. I'm currently taking Buspar and Adderall, in low doses, and they seem to be working OK (it's only been a month, so more on that later I guess). I had to have my Buspar (anxiety med.) dose upped , because of the anxiety attacks at work. To top it all off, my parents switched our medical insurance (again) without me knowing anything, and this new crap-tastic one does not cover my Adderall or contraceptives. So I must keep my job, then, to be able to pay for the medication. The joy!

School is supposed to start again in about a week, I'm excited for it and at the same time I'm totally freaking out. I haven't finished doing the enrollment procedure for this semester, so I guess I must go next week at the soonest moment possible or risk having to sit out this semester. I need a backpack, and I need to sharpen my knives. I find making lists helps, a lot. Also doing recaps at the end of the day, of whatever I actually did or got accomplished, is very, very helpful.

Today I gave my dog a bath, always an adventure by itself. *sigh* . She's a pretty hyper two-year-old (wow, two, already. I got her at three months old. Time flies. ) who, as I suspect many other dogs do, hates baths. But the downstairs dogs are completely flea infested and thus, so is my dog and my cats, and she keeps scratching and it drives me to the edge of insanity and back. So, bathtime it was. I tried playing tug-of-war with her towel before taking her into the bathtub (more like shower stall, actually), which resulted in her just peeing all over my bedroom floor. Luckily, there was another towel on the floor nearby, and I just placed it over the mess and continued with the procedure. She behaved pretty well while said bath was being given, but as soon as I was done she just ran all over the bathroom like a chicken with its head cut off (or a dog who's just had an undesired bath), getting everything wet in the process. Right now she's lying on my bed next to me as I type, shell-shocked. I'll give her a treat later and she'll love me again.
Dogs are so easy.

whoa.

whoa. ok. so it's been... what. a year? since i posted here?
I don't know. Lately I've been feeling so jittery. My mind does not stop, literally. Ever. At night, it's busy processing information about god-knows-what and it's tiring but I can't sleep. I quit my job of 3 years last February, luckily I found a pt. time gig with the US Census but that's over. Even more luckily, I applied to (and got a job) at my local Sephora, so that's good. It's great, actually. I have so much plans in my head, so many things I want to do and lately I just feel locked up. I am not exactly happy so to speak.

I need to find somewhere to be that doesn't fill me up with these feelings. And I have to lose weight. Any tips?

Of Zombies, Vampires and.. Poop?

My new NinjaTown plushies arrived yesterday!!!!
Since it's a random thing I'm glad that I got two of my favorites: the Zombie and the Ninja Dropping. These are tiny, ( If I'd have seen them in a store, probably wouldn't have bought them at $6 each) but since internet shopping tends to do that to you, I ordered anyway. I hung the Zombie on my rearview mirror and the poop from my keychain.


The zombeh cuteness in action. That's the cute little box that he came in.



and that's the little poopie fella. So cute.

I got these from www.shawnimals.com if you're interested. Even if you're not buying, the site is full of super cute creatures for your viewing pleasure. So be sure and try to stop by!

I still haven't gotten past the part of the game that I'm on. Seems it's a bit harder than I would like.

On to other news, hehe, I read Twilight last Friday (yeahh... ) and I have to say it's OK. Not a great book in literary terms, more an interesting perspective on a really whacked off subject. I think the longing aspect of it is well presented (yes, it got me a bit desperate sometimes for some action, but that's what leaves you wanting more...) like I heard my cousin once say: "Twilight is abstinence porn".
I'm starting New Moon today. Let's see how that goes.

bye!

Consequence of Sounds...

In a Regina Spektor mood today. These days always make me think a little, or even just want to dance in my room screaming at the top of my lungs the lyrics of this crazy-cute russian girl with a definitively unique musical style. I googled the meanings of some names (mainly of people I know) and according to babynames.com, my name means... Fairy Queen? At least I believe it's russian :)


On another note, last night I went to watch The Proposal, I give it maybe a 2.5 out of 5 stars mainly for it being entertaining. As any other rom-com, it's just lacking in terms of story, dialogue, etc. The scenery was beautiful (the parts where they showed Alaska, anyways...) and I love me some Sandra Bullock, but... Rom-coms are just these pre-made outlines of a movie that will never ever probably be considered a cinematic masterpiece. Definitely a chick-flick, and probably would touch the hearts of those that haven't lived in the real life and experienced real problems and real love and that sort of things. Just like any other rom-com.

On with the salad, today I broke the non-makeup rut yet again and decided to try some blues. The results:



All Aromaleigh (www.aromaleigh.com) eyeshadows: Aqua Nightmare, Peacoat, Planetearth, Wizard Gold. Lovely colors, but I think it's my love for words that's got me buying compulsively from them lately. The names are amazing!

Braces status is: still sucking. Boyfriend status is: still sick. Friday status: promising to be uneventful as of 10:28 a.m.

...Let's see how it goes....

*see, I told you this blog was a salad!*

bye!!!